May 21 Rapture checklist: Say prayers, kiss family goodbye, donate to SPLC

Fans of the Student Press Law Center are pretty astute consumers of news, so we assume you’ve all heard by now that, around suppertime this Saturday, civilization as we know it is coming to an end.

When the Second Circuit kneecapped students’ free-speech rights on the Internet in the Doninger case, we said, “Gosh, that’s awful. But it’s not the end of the world.”

When the Second Circuit came back and mugged kids for their remaining First Amendment rights in Ochshorn, we said, “Wow, that’s horrible. But it’s not the end of the world.”

Well, this is the end of the world.

We know that you, generous people who treat children with respect and who love the First Amendment, will be the very first invited aboard the express bus to eternity. As for us, we’ve got no shot. We’re lawyers.

You  can’t leave us down here – alone, except for some high school principals and federal judges – to fend for ourselves for however long eternal damnation lasts. Our legal hotline? It’s going to get way hotter. Way.

We’ve made it easy for you, in the few hours you have remaining to get your Rapture affairs in order, to use THIS FORM to sign over everything you’ve got to the Student Press Law Center. It’s a 501(c)(3) nonprofit and everything you donate is technically tax-deductible, but let’s face it – there won’t be an IRS where you’re going.

We promise to treat your cherished possessions with all of the care and reverence that you would yourself, if you were selling everything you owned on Craigslist for five cents on the dollar. And no, Craig Newmark’s not getting raptured. He killed newspapers.

Maybe you’re one of those people who’s always meant to donate to the SPLC, but you’ve just said, “Eh, I’ll get around to that tomorrow.” Well people, there are no tomorrows.

Get to the SPLC homepage – for the love of God, while you still can – and ensure that post-Apocalyptic America has the one necessity that will enable us to rebuild civilization from the ruins: Freedom of speech.

Thanks, and have a real nice weekend.